“You never listen to me!” “You never hear what I am saying to you!”
Does this sound familiar? We feel as if the words are coming out of our mouths and we are communicating, but we can just as well be talking a different language, because somewhere between you speaking and the person listening to you, something goes horribly wrong.
Communication is a strange beast. It is one of the first skills we learn as a young child and we practice it daily. It should come naturally, right?! If you speak the same language, and you have the ability to speak words, where do things then go wrong?
The thing is, when we speak to someone, we might as well be speaking a different language. Unless we know them very well, all communication is filtered through a lens of past experiences. This means that words have different associations, meanings, and contextual references. Some words can bring about great joy, reminding the recipient of something a well-loved person says or, a trigger, reminding them when this word was used to scold, belittle, or hurt. Healthy relationships are categorised by good communication.
So what can we do to improve it? Some tips that will help:
- When you see the argument is starting to escalate, pause. This can be done by asking to revisit the conversation at a later stage (give a time and stick to it).
- Move away from blame to statements where you express your emotions. Communicate the associations you have with words and what feelings they evoke in you.
- Do not see this as a “Me vs You” situation; but rather a “Me and you vs. the issue at hand”.
- Contrary to popular belief, you can go to bed angry, especially if it affords you some processing time. The key is to keep communicating that you need time, give a time you will reconnect with your partner and if you still are not ready, say so.
Lastly, if it seems that you are at an impasse, consider seeing a professional who will help you gain skills in communicating, having difficult conversations, and opening the lines of communication. I will gladly help.